Christmas Break Syndrome

Things in school seem so convenient since almost everything comes with a certain formula or step-by-step process, like rock ID or integration or even budgeting my monthly allowance. But right now, even substantiating the string theory would be nothing compared to the state of things now.

Now that nothing academic is occupying me – or rather things “career-wise” – a lot of things occur to me. They might be a few, but the feeling of carrying them makes it feel like a whole ton. I wouldn’t call it a burden, because honestly, many of these actually make me happy. But I guess I still have a long way to go when it comes to dealing with them.

It makes me wonder if I really have been running my life good enough. Maybe, in some way, I’ve been happy of how things go in school. I get to do things that make me learn more of things I never really knew about. I guess it’s been a lot to do with discovery of the vastness of life.

But sometimes it makes me wonder if I’ve just been forcing myself to be happy, if that is even possible? Has it been a mask? If I’ve discovered new things and done great with them, have I done any justice to the things I already know?

I’ve been having dreams - dreams involving certain people and certain things. I don’t know if it’s just a random product of REM or already my sub-conscious haunting me.

I’ve been tempted to do a lot of things. Some of these are things that I don’t usually do and things I’ve always thought I’d never do. But the sign of temptation already means that I’m open to doing these. Just a few more inches. Good thing, though, there are some petty things that drive me away from them. Maybe it’s God’s own petty way of stopping me.

There are things I’ve always wanted to do that I think would help me get on with it, but on the first step, or even just thinking of the first step, I cower away like a child and don’t know how to start. There are things I need to do (yeah, I have papers to finish before the end of the break), but I don’t even bother starting doing them, knowing that later on, I’d regret thinking that way. There are things that I don’t have to do, but I already did them. Stupid, stupid me.

I’ve always thought I am content. Maybe I force myself to. Maybe I really am, and just complicate my own life. Maybe these are just the various truths to different perspectives on my life, and that I just tend to be too open-minded that my hypothalamus just can’t take it anymore.

Well, let’s hope for a happy new year. Now I should think of a New Year resolution. Watching out for a meteor shower would be one.