24 September 2015

Downfall of Rome



My mind has been slipping away to the nether regions of existence a lot more than it should.  For several days, instead of thinking of the wonderful day ahead of me, I think of the kind of person I have become.  I lie down staring at the clock on my desktop ticking away the minutes until I realize that it’s too late.  How did I reach this point? Why am I like this?  What happened to the cheerful young man that once grabbed the bull by its horn and forged through a path no one has taken?

I am a person who takes words and promises seriously.  Even from casual conversation, I try to mean everything that I say.  Reaching my self-declared half-life, I resolved to live life to the fullest (cliché) and make sure that I don’t hold back on the things that are most important to me—my relationships.  I did this because in the past, I’ve “lost” important people in my life but never really fully expressed myself to them. Or I never really got to know why they “left” or learned too late about it.  I think that a lot of times we feel regret because of the missed opportunity to be true to our feelings.  Whether it be a feeling of disgust, anger, fear, sadness, or joy (see what I did there), I have surmised that it is part of human experience to share these feelings.

But the month or so that passed has been quite a rollercoaster.

My piano teacher, who always encouraged me to try harder and show the world what I can do, passed away at a very young age.  Even as I was just starting out, he always encouraged me to be the best concert pianist that I can be.  Of course we know how absurd that is given how late I came to the party, but at least we try.  It was a good decision that I agreed to do a piano recital because it turns out that it was my last performance for him. He suddenly passed away a week after our chat on how excited I was to enroll in my piano lessons again.

Several days later, I received news that my grandmother died.  Despite me being not her biological grandson, she always made sure that I was taken care of especially when I just first arrived in the big city for college.  I still have the pair of shoes that she and her husband gave me in my first year. Stories from relatives would also reflect how she always took care of anyone in need.  She’s been battling illness for too long, and she’s now in better hands and with her husband.  But despite the fact that her house is just a jeepney ride away, the last time I visited her was two years ago.

And those are just a couple from many things that if I wrote them here, I might as well just upload my brain.

As you can see, my “half-life motto” kind of crashed and burned.  I wasn’t able to keep my own promise to myself.  It’s like I have become the world biggest hypocrite.  Just like someone who preaches gender sensitivity but is a sex offender; or an environmental advocate who eats sharks fin soup; or a scientist who manipulates data to desired results. Have I been living in an illusion of who I am versus who I truly am without a mask?

Overall, I believe that my life has been a good one.  There are many things things to be thankful for. I’ve been able to do things and go to places that some people don’t even get to experience.  Maybe that’s part of the problem— that I feel like I’ve had so much already that I don’t really need anything more?  Or is it that I actually have so little and that any attempt to get something more is futile?

Another thing is that maybe it's because I've been too focused on what I want, on being selfish.  Maybe if I stop thinking of my own sake then it wouldn't be as hard.  But is it really possible to be selfless?

At that point in your life when you stop trusting yourself, it’s easy to go off the edge.  But duty calls and it gives me some reason to try and hold on

23 September 2015

Hello blog,

Long time no post. It would be quite obvious as to why I remember you and revisit you now. Rereading my posts from many, many years ago somehow makes me wonder where my creative writing skills went.  It also makes me realize that the way I think hasn't really changed.  Yes, I may know more facts, I have more experiences after 3 years of not posting here. But the thought process isi still the same.  And I actually might have felt the same way, as I do now, before.

I was going to write something longer, but it's kinda late already and duty calls. Well, thank goodness I still have duties to hang on to.

02 February 2012

Gush! Comes the wave,
Fleeting in disarray;
The sand rolling over
The beachface getting smaller.

Ebbs, the Tide as Fire collides
On a golden, glimmering path
Like a brick road
But where no one's at.

Once smothered by footsteps --
Now ripples on pavement
Beside the saline sea,
Brewing a briny breeze.

Through the troughs
Trickles the Tide
Will it rise again?
It will.
Will it rise again?
It shan't.

14 August 2011

Back to the Future

Goodness, it's been a long time since I last visited this site.

I always wanted to create some cool layout for this blog, but thanks to constantly doing something else every other minute, I wonder if I still have the grip on HTML or CSS. I've always wanted to blog about stuff. I've opened accounts in countless hosts, post a few entries, then forget about them totally.

In the future, maybe!

But, alas, I cannot stay too long pondering. Board exams are in 2 days, and I am yet to leaf through 400+ pages of the textbook. So I must end abruptly.

21 July 2009

The One that Got Away

Mark J. Macapagal (The Manila Times)


In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?"

That's what the one that got away is, the biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens... Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.

What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."