My mind has been slipping away to the nether regions of
existence a lot more than it should. For
several days, instead of thinking of the wonderful day ahead of me, I think of
the kind of person I have become. I lie
down staring at the clock on my desktop ticking away the minutes until I
realize that it’s too late. How did I reach this point? Why am I like
this? What happened to the cheerful
young man that once grabbed the bull by its horn and forged through a path no
one has taken?
I am a person who takes words and promises seriously. Even from casual conversation, I try to mean
everything that I say. Reaching my
self-declared half-life, I resolved to live life to the fullest (cliché) and
make sure that I don’t hold back on the things that are most important to me—my
relationships. I did this because in the
past, I’ve “lost” important people in my life but never really fully expressed
myself to them. Or I never really got to know why they “left” or learned too
late about it. I think that a lot of
times we feel regret because of the missed opportunity to be true to our
feelings. Whether it be a feeling of disgust,
anger, fear, sadness, or joy (see what I did there), I have surmised that it is
part of human experience to share these feelings.
But the month or so that passed has been quite a
rollercoaster.
My piano teacher, who always encouraged me to try harder and
show the world what I can do, passed away at a very young age. Even as I was just starting out, he always
encouraged me to be the best concert pianist that I can be. Of course we know how absurd that is given
how late I came to the party, but at least we try. It was a good decision that I agreed to do a
piano recital because it turns out that it was my last performance for him. He
suddenly passed away a week after our chat on how excited I was to enroll in my
piano lessons again.
Several days later, I received news that my grandmother died. Despite me being not her biological grandson,
she always made sure that I was taken care of especially when I just first
arrived in the big city for college. I
still have the pair of shoes that she and her husband gave me in my first year.
Stories from relatives would also reflect how she always took care of anyone in
need. She’s been battling illness for too
long, and she’s now in better hands and with her husband. But despite the fact that her house is just a
jeepney ride away, the last time I visited her was two years ago.
And those are just a couple from many things that if I wrote
them here, I might as well just upload my brain.
As you can see, my “half-life motto” kind of crashed and
burned. I wasn’t able to keep my own
promise to myself. It’s like I have become
the world biggest hypocrite. Just like
someone who preaches gender sensitivity but is a sex offender; or an environmental
advocate who eats sharks fin soup; or a scientist who manipulates data to
desired results. Have I been living in an illusion of who I am versus who I truly am without a mask?
Overall, I believe that my life has been a good one. There are many things things to be thankful
for. I’ve been able to do things and go to places that some people don’t even
get to experience. Maybe that’s part of
the problem— that I feel like I’ve had so much already that I don’t really need
anything more? Or is it that I actually
have so little and that any attempt to get something more is futile?
Another thing is that maybe it's because I've been too focused on what I want, on being selfish. Maybe if I stop thinking of my own sake then it wouldn't be as hard. But is it really possible to be selfless?
At that point in your life when you stop trusting yourself, it’s
easy to go off the edge. But duty
calls and it gives me some reason to try and hold on
